Missed Connections
by Marvar
Summary: Edward is an up-and-coming chef. Bella has been watching his videos online. They have an encounter, but it's not exactly a meet-cute. She's got issues. Smelly issues.
1. Chapter 1

Hi all,

This is the beginning of a new story I have written for the Babies at the Border Compilation. Over 100 terrific authors (many of your Twi favs) have come together to support this worthy cause.

To receive the compilation all you have to do is donate $10 to any of the following charities and email your receipt to babiesatthebordercomp

ACLU - fighting attacks through the legal system.

Kids In Need of Defense (KIND) - protecting unaccompanied children who enter the US immigration system alone to ensure that no child appears in court without an attorney.

Human Rights First - helping refugees obtain asylum in the U.S.

Innovation Law Lab - working in immigrant detention centers and hostile judicial districts; keeping the definitive list of kids being held.

The Young Center for Immigrant Children's Rights - promoting the best interests of unaccompanied immigrant children.

This story will be posted here in its entirety in December. Thank you for reading, or not reading if that is your choice.

* * *

Ad seen in Missed Connections section of Craigs's List:

Date: 12/04/2017

You were the gorgeous brunette with a perfect body at the Trader Joe's the day before Thanksgiving. You farted in the bread aisle. I was the guy with green eyes that asked, "Was that you?" You quickly replied, "No...It wasn't me!" You almost seemed insulted that I would ask. As the stink grew, you continued to deny the flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by by waving two loaves of ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off. You are beautiful, and even though you totally lied and fart like a Clydesdale, I want to date you.

Call Edward 555-5555

.

.

.

.

.

"Dude. We're out of Fat Tire. The game is going to start in a half hour. I need my beer," Emmett says while I take more wings out of the oven.

"How the hell did you already kill the twelve-pack I put out?" I grumble. "You and Jasper have been here like thirty minutes."

"You know what my Kappa chugging record is, Ed. Twelve beers is child's play."

"Remind me to never let you play with my children."

"That was harsh," he mumbles.

"I was joking." I really wasn't. Good thing I didn't have any kids to make that an actual conversation.

Emmett and Jasper are my best friends, but they're borderline fuckups and giant man-boys. They're still in college after six years with no end in sight. Emmett keeps changing his major and Jasper is just lazy as fuck. Luckily they both don't have to worry about tuition money. Jasper's family is filthy rich, (hence the laziness), and Emmett makes mad cash as a hand model. I have to admit he has nice wrists. Basically they eat (mooch off me) and play video games.

Wait, why are they my friends again?

"So about the lack of beer-"

"Well, there's the IPA..."

"I'm not drinking that chocolate shit that has to be served in the stupid glass," Emmett protests.

"That's gross, Ed," Jasper chimes in from the couch. "No candy or fruit should be in beer."

"It's a dark Pilsner with chocolate undertones and a fruity finish," I retort. I place the freshly-baked wings onto the table that's already looking sparse after Emmett's "snack" earlier. "And the glass is important for you to be able to prolong a nice, thick head."

"Well, I do enjoy good head, but chocolate doesn't mix in with that equation. But you should do a post on how to get prolonged head for your channel. That might get more views than your cooking," he says with a straight face. That lasts for about two seconds before he's laughing with Jasper.

"I know that the top of the Pilsner I poured you was the last head you've received in at least a year. You too, Jasper." The same goes for me, maybe longer, but they don't mention that. They're too busy sputtering and looking indignant.

"Well, that's by choice, obviously," says Emmett.

"Yeah, women choose not to sleep with you," I retort.

"Hey! That's not fair," whines Emmett.

"It's funny, though," adds Jasper. He puts up his hands in surrender when Emmett glares at him. "I mean, our dry spell is mostly due to high standards."

I snicker. "Obviously. You need to find ladies with no standards." Jasper throws a nerf ball at my head. I catch it despite the pot holders on my hands. "Watch the food, fucker. You ruin this and you're on your own for dinner. I might have some ramen somewhere."

That's a lie. I don't eat fucking ramen unless I make my own noodles.

Emmett and Jasper both look panicked. Threatening them by withholding food always works. Lazy bastards. They were always eating at my place. As college students not living in dorms, they never cook any food that doesn't come in frozen tray or in a styrofoam container. So I have Guinea pigs for all my new recipes, and they have most of their weekly food taken care of.

I take a few more shots of the food I've made to post on my website. I've already recorded a video for my YouTube channel. I'm a classically trained chef, but I don't cook at restaurants anymore. It was a grueling job and I didn't get to have much of a life. That was one of the reasons for the start of my long dry spell.

I did a few Buzzfeed videos at the last restaurant I worked at and got a pretty large social media following. Jasper says it's because of my looks, but I like to think it was talent. I'm not stupid, so I know it's both. (Maybe ninety percent looks based upon the comments on my posts).

I ended up leaving my position at the restaurant to devote my time to web-cooking. I occasionally do special events for corporations or celebrities, but mostly my friends and family eat my food. Sometimes they'll appear in my videos making sounds of appreciation, which is the least they could do since I am basically their personal chef.

My job requires me to work from home or random sites which makes it really hard to meet women. I mean I can put myself on a dating site, but I think I have enough cyber-stalkers. Some of the things women want to do to me is fucking nuts. Emmett and Jasper get comments, too, whenever they show up in a video. They love that shit, but it's freaky to me.

I really need to stop reading the comments. I might be put off women forever. I've been doing a lot of "self-care" currently, since I haven't found anyone to share myself with.

Hey, maybe with all the jerking off I'm doing, my wrist will look as good as Emmett's. Fuck...that's my new goal?

I need to get out more.

"Damn, these are good, Ed," Emmett says, grabbing another handful of the wings I'd put out earlier. "So are you getting us the beer, or what? You know neither of us can drive right now."

"Text Mike or Jacob to bring some."

Jasper laughs. "Right. I think Mike had to sell his jizz to pay for rent this month. Good luck with that. He can't buy a forty of Natty Light."

"Ugh. All right. But you better not eat all the food before I get back." I know half of it will be missing when I return, so I start thinking about ingredients for some paninis I can make.


	2. Chapter 2

"What else do we need to prep for tomorrow, mom?" I ask while sitting at the kitchen table. I've been chopping and prepping for over an hour. I don't mind the work. It's a change from my day-to-day routine.

Most of the family is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner, so I'm here to help. Of course my loser cousins aren't bringing anything, and if they did it would be awful. We learned that the hard way a few years back with the creamed spinach debacle. Seriously, you don't even want to know what the crunchy topping was made from.

"Take a break, sweetheart. Oh! Try my new cheesecake. I made it with your diet in mind. I watched one of those cooking videos. Shelly Cope from next door turned me on to him. You should have seen the chef. Good lord he was fine." She fans herself. "Talk about too hot to handle. Woohoo!" Geez. She looks all sweaty. And it's not from the stove. She grabs her iPad and sticks it in my face. "Look! Mmmm...If only he were into older women...the things I would do to him."

"If only you weren't married to my dad, you mean," I retort, glancing at her iPad.

Oh my god. My mother has a lady boner for Chef Edward. Gross. Wait, I mean, he's not gross. I'm referring to her lady boner. And the inappropriate comments. And all the moaning she's doing right now. And the fact that I have a giant lady boner for him too.

Ugh. Are we like wannabe cyber-Eskimo sisters? No. I can't even...

"Now that's a man," she says, sighing. "Did you see that wrist action? His long fingers?"

"He's...quite attractive," I stammer. My mother snorts.

"Your ex-boyfriend James was attractive, Bella. A complete asshole, but attractive nonetheless. This man is fuckhot. That's the sort of guy you should be dating."

"Right. It's so easy to find guys like that, mom. Let me just run out and grab one."

"You don't have to be so snippy, Bella. I was just giving you advice. Anyway, try the cheesecake. It's Chef Edward's recipe."

"Oh, really? I love him. I mean his show!" I gush. "Wait, I've never seen a recipe for lactose free cheesecake. And I think I've seen most of the episodes." Let's be real; I've seen all of them. I'm probably personally responsible for four million of his five million views per episode.

If they counted the amount of time I pause and stare, he'd have the highest viewed show on YouTube.

Of course it's because I'm very committed to the arts. And his face is a work of art. So... that's a mostly true statement. It's not that I'm desperately perving on the hot chef videos.

"I watched him, er, it very carefully," she says. "And I made this for you." She serves me a piece, and I take a bite.

"Mmmmh...This cake is so good, mom! I can't believe it doesn't have any dairy," I say between bites. I have graham cracker crumbs on my shirt, but I don't care. It's not often that I can enjoy desserts. Since finding out that I am severely lactose intolerant, I usually avoid all sweets. It just makes things easier. I never want another scene like after junior prom. Damn friends just had to convince me to get a vanilla shake. I'm pretty sure I put that limo company out of business and scarred the driver for life.

My mother mutters something about low fat cream cheese that I don't catch. "What'd you say, mom? This is lactose free, right?" I seriously don't remember a lactose-free cheesecake recipe, but I may not always pay that close of attention to the food. Especially if he's flexing his fingers or putting something in his mouth.

"Um, sure it is, Bella. I..." She looks confusedly at her iPad. "Darn. Why'd he have to be so hot?" she mutters.

"Good. You don't know the type of diarrhea that will happen if I have any dairy. And Uncle Garrett isn't coming this Thanksgiving." He's the plumber in the family. Yes, it could get that bad that we'd need his services.

"It'll be fine, Bella," my mother says. "You'll be with family. Er, come help me with the vegetables. Your dad will have a fit if there isn't a green bean casserole."

"Brrrrp. Oh excuse me. Must be too much soda," I say, tapping my chest. I continue looking for crispy onions. "Mom, do you have another can of these? This one is almost empty." I hold it up.

"Oh...your father must have gotten into them. You'll have to go get some more."

I burp again. "Sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. Besides this wonderful lactose-free cheesecake."

My mom mutters something about hypnotizing green eyes and hot flashes make her forget things like following a recipe.

"Do you want me to find the recipe for the green beans, mom?" I ask, confused. She usually makes it without any recipe.

She sighs. "No, Bella. Just go get the onions before it's too late."

"It's only five, mom. Trader Joe's doesn't close until eight."

"Just hurry, Bella. Trust me. You need to go now before we have a major explosion."

"Geez. You're that worried about dad's casserole?"

"Um, yeah. That's what I'm worried about. Go. Now."

.

.

.

"Why did I agree to go to the store the night before Thanksgiving, again? Because my loser friends didn't have enough beer? Genius move, Ed," I mutter to myself after circling the parking lot for ten minutes.

I see a car pull out on the opposite side of the street, but I'm too late. A red truck takes the spot. I'm mid curse as I watch the driver hurry across the street. All I can see is long brown hair and a perfect round ass. Now I'm twice as determined to get into that store.

I circle again and I get lucky with a space. Inside the store I look around for truck girl, but no luck. Disappointed, I get the beer and start picking up the items for the paninis.

While I'm crouched down squeezing some ciabatta, I'm assaulted by a really foul scent. Seriously, something died. "What the funk?" I mutter, looking around. A few feet away are some fantastic jean-clad legs. I glance upward and said legs are attached to that ass I saw earlier...and oh shit...it's another foul wind. And it must be coming from her. "Was that you? Jeezus..." I cough out. I hear her moan. She grabs the bread shelf. I tuck my nose into the collar of my shirt.

"No, no, no," she whispers. "I...of course not," she says a little louder.

I sway and blink but get up because I think maybe she needs help. I wave the bread around to make the foulness dissipate. It doesn't work.

"Hey. Are you okay?" I ask, turning toward her. Wow. How did that smell come out of that that gorgeous girl? I guess it's like the time I had to change my cousin's baby's diaper. I couldn't believe all that came out of such a cute human.

"It's not what you think," she says, eyes cast down. She sighs and looks up. "It's...you? Oh my god, it's you," she blurts out as she stares at me.

"That wasn't me," I say, chuckling. "But it's okay. Obviously you've got something going on here-"

"It's you. And oh no, my mom watched...and you look like that and she must have messed up somehow...and now you know. Somebody kill me."

I laugh. "You're beautiful." She really is. She doesn't make any sense right now, but she's still the only woman who's captured my interest in a long time.

Her big, brown eyes widen. I don't know if it's because I said that or she's going to let another one rip. I hope it's because she likes me. She blurts out, "Oh-my-god-I-have-to-go," turns, and basically sprints out.

Well, that was an experience. And my mom says that I should get out more and try to meet women. Wait until she hears this story.

"Dude. What the fuck?" Some guy with a cart says to me. Great. He's blaming me. I didn't get the girl, and I'm being accused of ass pollution. I exchange my bread for some that wasn't in the contamination zone and get the hell outta there.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N: Thank you to all who donated to the charity. I also appreciate all the kind comments about the story. I had this mostly finished but had a computer (human) failure and deleted the end. I will post the chapters I have and try to motivate myself to finish in a timely manner.

Beta by Cosmogirl but I tinkered around with it. All mistakes are mine.


	3. Chapter 3

"Wait...she did what?" Emmett says, beer bottle in hand. He paused before he could drink. Upon my return from the store I explained what happened to me.

Jasper was doubled over laughing. "That's the best story ever, Edward. But really, what happened?"

"That's what happened. I swear. She totally polluted the aisle and took off before I could get her name or number. I think she was sick or something. She didn't look okay," I say, starting on the paninis. Those dicks ate mostly everything I made while I was out, just like I thought.

"So you have the hots for a sick-looking chick that farts like a Clydesdale and made you," Emmett sniffs me, "have second hand funk. Have you been celibate that long, because, dude...that's crazy."

"Agreed. Let's call Jessica to do him. He's having an episode," says Jasper.

"I'm not crazy. And that's your cousin. Don't be so disrespectful, dude."

"Edward, you have women throwing themselves at you. Hell, my grandmother wanted to know if you had a girlfriend. I bet she'd give you a piece if you wanted," says Emmett. "You don't need gas girl."

"Why am I the only man around here who knows how to act?" I mutter to myself. "I don't want a 'piece of ass.' Especially your grandmother's." I shudder.

"Dude." Emmett says like he's offended. Does he want me to get it on with his nana?

"There are a lot of women out there that want you, Ed. We just wonder what you're waiting for," Jasper chimes in.

"I just want someone I can love, that's going to love me back," I say.

"Did you just quote Sixteen Candles?" asks Jasper. "Because I may have issues with some of the themes."

"Er, no." I totally did. It's my mother's favorite movie, and we have conveniently ignored the problematic areas. "And as much as I appreciate "Woke Jasper", I will take you more seriously when you're not wearing a 'Hakuna Mo'Vodka' t-shirt."

Jasper mimes the universal 'blow me' gesture. Obviously he doesn't say it out loud because he has class.

"Whatever. If gas girl makes you hot, then we'll support you. Probably from afar, but we'll be around," says Emmett.

"Listen. I liked her. You know how you see someone and you just have that spark?"

"Are you sure the 'spark' wasn't just her ripping one?" asks Emmett. I give him a look. He throws his hands in the air in surrender. "Dude. I have fart material that I can do for days. A man can only show so much restraint." He then proceeds to chug his third beer in ten minutes. He chases it with a handful of chips. Yes, this man's middle name is restraint.

"Look, she was beautiful, but with a little problem. She probably had food poisoning or something. It happens."

Both my friends give each other a dubious look.

"Shut up," I say. "It was nothing a little pepto couldn't take care of."

.

.

.

"What about some pepto, Bella," my mom calls from the hall.

"Oh my god. Are you kidding me? I think I'm dying, mom! You better call uncle Garrett and tell him to cancel his fishing trip and bring his tools. It's an emergency!" I shout out with my last ounce of strength.

Better yet, just let the toilet explode and bury me. I have nothing left. Literally. And figuratively. I mean, because poo. And my dream guy knows about the poo.

.

.

.

"Okay. Please start that sentence over. I thought I heard you say you saw Chef Edward while you had the most heinous gas of your life. That's obviously a mistake," says Alice. She serves herself some coffee and sits down at the kitchen table. It's two days after "the incident" and I'm back at home dealing with the aftermath.

"If only. But that's what happened. I saw him in the bread aisle as I was rotting internally, I nearly killed him, he said I was beautiful, and then I ran off. I'm just now coming out of the fetal position and emerging from my cocoon of shame."

"Wait. What?" Alice cries. "He said you were beautiful?" She taps on her iPad and shoves it in my face. "This person right here?"

"It was probably gas-induced psychosis."

"This man right here?" Alice asks again. Maybe she has psychosis too.

"Why do you want me to relive this? It's bad enough that it happened," I complain. "Can you just let me read my fanfiction in peace? That's the only thing making me feel better."

"I can't believe you have all the luck. Was Jasper with him?"

"Who's Jasper?" I ask. "And how do you find this lucky?"

"Bella!" She sounds exasperated. I don't know why. I'm the one who was humiliated and now cannot leave my house or use the Internet. "Jasper is one of hottie chef's hot friends. He's been on some of the videos. You must have seen him. That show is the second best part of the internet after Missed Connections."

I only have eyes for Edward. I don't even remember any cooking happening. And I certainly don't read those garbage ads. I actually think they're totally fake. "Er. Um."

"I'll take that as a 'no' then. On both counts. Anyway, when you get together with Chef Edward you can set us up with Jasper and Emmett."

"What are you even talking about?" I ask.

"Are you not going to hook up your best friends, Bella? Miss Selfish?"

"I'm really at a loss, here. Who am I hooking up?"

"Me. Rosalie. Your BFFs forever. Geez."

"You know that one of the 'f's in BFF stands for forever, right? Because you said best friends forever forever right now, and you want me to hook you up with Rosalie."

"Oh my god, Bella," Alice interrupts, "can you please stick with the subject at hand? Are you or are you not going to set us up with Edward's friends?"

"Did you think that while I was barely holding in a shart in front of the hottest man I've ever seen that I was getting his number? Or he said, 'hey, smelly lady, here's my digits because I have a fart fetish.' Yeah. No."

Alice rolls her eyes hard. "So freaking dramatic. You should really change careers from physical therapy to acting. I, as usual, with take care of this. Now please repeat every word that was spoken. Verbatim. I need to plan very carefully."

So I do. Because Alice is a scary bitch. I love her, mostly, but sometimes I wonder if we're still friends because I'm too chicken to break it off with her. She's done some real Voldemort shit. You know, the kind that must not be named.

If anyone could get a date with the friend of a minor Internet celebrity, it's her.

I wonder if she could actually erase Edward's memory? Then I might have a chance.

.

.

.

.

.

A/N: This was originally beta'd by Cosmogirl, but I have tinkered with the post. Thank you for the reviews and follows. I tried to reply to as many as possible.


	4. Chapter 4

"You know if you're so hung up on gas girl you could put an ad in Craigslist. People put all kinds of stuff on there," Jasper says. I may have sighed one too many times over the past week when they mentioned going out to a bar or whatever, and I think he's worried about me. I knock his feet off my coffee table and switch on the basketball game. They're at my place again because theirs is gross.

"Yeah. Because I'm going to look for a girlfriend while shopping for..." I quickly type 'Craig's List' in my phone, "a butt pumpkin, or a vagina jacket."

"Oh shit, I need to check out that ad ASAP. That sounds awesome!" exclaims Emmett, who is now tapping on his phone. "Fuck, I can get a free snow cat limo or a mobile brothel."

"These are not even real things, Emmett. I mean, a vagina jacket? What even is that?" I say, irritated. My feelings are not a joke. I have been thinking about gas girl a lot since I saw her that night. Note to self: Stop referring to young lady in question as 'gas girl.' I take a swig of my beer and relax on my couch.

"It's like a merkin, dude. Geez, don't you read stuff?" says Jasper. "My housekeeper used to read to me all the time. Man, I miss Mrs. Cope. It was nice having my stuff clean all the time."

"I read plenty, dickwad. And what kind of books was your housekeeper reading to you if that's where you heard about vagina clothes? " I say angrily because now I need to google 'merkin' so Jasper can shut the hell up. "What the fuck is that?" I say, horrified by the images on my screen.

"Did you just google 'merkin'? Yeah. It's disturbing," says Emmett. "I mean, why would anyone want more hair down there?"

"You're such troglodytes," Jasper says, shaking his head and putting his feet back on my coffee table. Motherfucker knows I put food there. I guess Mrs. Cope didn't teach manners when she was instructing Little Jasper about vag covers.

"Save your condescension for when you're not wearing a Master Bater t-shirt, Jasper," I say. "Though I'm glad you finally used an entry correctly from your Word of the Day calendar."

"This is an ironic tee. And I've used more than one word correctly," he retorts.

"No, you haven't. 'Panacea' is not a type of custard," I reply, irritated by this entire conversation. "And 'ironic' doesn't mean the same as truthful, so strike two." I nudge his feet off the coffee table again for good measure. I turn to see Emmett typing numbers into his phone. "Emmett, you better not be calling the number for the mobile brothel."

"But, it's free," he whines.

"Do you plan to have 'employees' for this business, Mr. Portable Pimp? I bet your mom will be so proud. Six years of college and a police record for solicitation."

He taps his phone and puts it in his pocket in a huff. "Ever since you got gassed, you've been a real downer, Ed."

"And this is why I said he should put an ad in the Missed Connections section. Lots of people do it all the time," insists Jasper. "Maybe if you hook up with her you'll be in a better mood."

"Oh yeah, look, Edward. This ad is similar to what happened to you," says Emmett. He holds out his phone to me.

"Guy with skid mark, bought eleven sticks of beef jerky and a gallon of milk at Circle K, you were sexy - how is this remotely connected to my situation?"

"I mean...it's obvious, right? Bathroom problems, market, and wants to hook up?" Emmett ticks off items with his fingers. I'm tempted to break them.

"Yes! Totally the same thing!" exclaims Jasper. "Write the ad, Ed."

"Fuck. You," I say, pointing to both of them. "And eat all the tuna amuse bouche before you go."

Like they're leaving anytime soon.

Emmett makes a beeline for the kitchen when I mention the food. He saunters back into the living room with the mini apps. "Fuck, these fish sticks are good," he says, passing the tray to Jasper and putting his feet on my coffee table.

"Those are not fish sticks, and get your disgusting feet off my furniture." I flick him on the arm.

He gives me a dirty look but takes them off. "You could have given me a mark and I have to shoot a watch commercial in the morning, dick. No wonder Jasper is trying to get you laid."

"I don't want to get laid!" I say, exasperated. Wait, I do, but not like that. "I just want to meet the person who interested me, that's all."

"What do you think our point is about the ad, dumbass?" replies Jasper.

"The idea do a personal ad is pointless. And I won't be wasting my time." I take back the now empty tray and put it in the sink.

"I think it's a pretty cool idea," says Emmett, now looking around my house for more food. I better hide the candy Nana Cullen sent me. That shit's mine.

"Me too," agrees Jasper. "We only want to see you meet the gas girl so you'll be happier, Edward. We care about you and don't want you to be so lugubrious."

"Yeah," Emmett concurs.

Well, shucks. I guess there is a reason why I keep these guys around.

"Thanks, guys. And you looked that word up, right?"

"Of course I did. Now I used two words correctly. Bite me."

So much for the sweet bro feelings time. I sigh.

"Even if I thought she had a chance to see it, what would I actually say? 'You were the gorgeous brunette with a perfect body at the Trader Joe's who farted in the bread aisle.' Yeah, sure. It'll never work."

.

.

.

"Hello, mother," I say into my phone. I tap 'speaker' and set it down on my counter so I can continue to plan.

"Edward, my love, how are you?"

"Fine, mom. Just working on the menu for your hospital benefit."

"That's wonderful to hear. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job. But I'm calling to find out when you are going to let me introduce you to the lovely new physical therapist here?"

"Mom, you know I don't want to be set up with anyone. I don't think my tastes and yours are the same." I know they're really not because my mom and dad do some freaky shit in the bedroom. And most every place else.

"We've had the talk about your sexual health, Edward. Why do you think your father and I are so fit? We are constantly bringing each other to org-"

"Oh god, please no," I interrupt before she can continue with what I know will be horrifying.

"It's very purifying to your system, and good for the heart rate, you know."

"Yes. You've told me enough times since puberty. But you still put dad in the hospital with your antics."

"He merely has a touch of tendonitis in his gluteal muscles. He still can thrust like a twenty year-old, but the recovery time just isn't the same." She sighs like she's disappointed that my dad went to town on her so hard that he sprained his ass.

"Yeah. That's so great to hear," I snark.

"Well, your father's therapy is what brought me to meet Isabella, the physical therapist. She's quite skilled at her job and very beautiful. She's just your type. Brunette and curvy."

I sigh. That is my type. That is was attracted me to gas girl.

My mother continues, "And she was so accommodating when I explained what type of strengthening exercises I wanted for your father. She's going to make sure he can regain his full range of motion so he can get into any position."

And that sealed the deal. I couldn't possibly date her now, even if I wanted to. I know my mother told her everything. Probably made a diagram too.

"Thanks, mom. For all of that. I won't be able to sleep tonight."

She sighs. "I don't know how you ended up so uptight, my love, considering how we raised you."

Yeah, I've seen some shit. She's real lucky I turned out normal.

"I'll be over later with the tasting menu. See you then."

.

.

.

.

.

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews. I'm so happy to see that people are laughing. Apparently many of you also have lactose issues (as I do) and feel sorry for our Bella. Beta by Cosmogirl7481 (who also googled "merkin"). You should all read her new story, _Safe and Secure_. She's posting it right now.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

.

.

.

.

.

"You have to invite us, Bella. All of the hot doctors and nurses will be there. And we already bought dresses," says Rosalie as she kicks off her shoes and settles on my couch with her drink. It's girls' night in because none of us have boyfriends and going to bars sucks.

Especially since I decided I was going to become a spinster, die alone, and then get eaten by my cats, Ron and Draco.

They're assholes and probably waiting for me to die. Draco will almost certainly figure out a way to take pictures with my phone and become the new trendy cat when he posts online.

"This is the first time you've taken an interest in my work," I say. "You normally refer to my job as that 'massage thing.' Color me surprised that you'd consider attending my meager work function."

"Do I need to grovel?" She raises an eyebrow. I narrow my eyes and give her the "yeah, right" look.

Like she would grovel. She and Alice have emotionally blackmailed me into some crazy stuff without an ounce of shame. Getting an extra invite for the benefit was a no-brainer. I just wanted them to act like I was important.

They both are beautiful career women, and sometimes I feel lacking even though I know I can hold my own in those categories.

My self-esteem needs a boost after gas-gate. It was hard knowing that I had a chance for the ultimate romantic comedy meet-cute with my dream man and instead it was a horror movie scene. But a really shitty one like when Paris Hilton thought she could act.

"I know you have an important job, Bella. It's just that now it's become an interesting one." Rosalie gulps her wine down like that's her job.

"Gee, thanks."

"Hey, didn't you say that one of the doctors wanted to hook you up with her son? What happened with that?" Alice asks.

"Oh. Dr. Platt. Yeah. I told her I wasn't interested."

"Why? Is the guy a total tool?" Rosalie asks.

"No, I mean I didn't get any details about him because I shut that down pretty quickly."

"He's probably ugly or a doofus if his mom is trying to set him up," Alice offers.

"Well, Dr. Platt is one of the best looking women I've ever seen and she has to be close to fifty years old. And her husband could model for an underwear ad."

They both look at me.

"What?" I ask, defensively. I pour myself another glass of wine and chug it.

"How do you know what the husband looks like?" Alice asks.

"He's my patient." I laugh. "Apparently he injured himself 'in the bedroom' and needed treatment to get his groove back if you know what I mean. Dr. Platt likes to over share. He's super hot and built. She's pretty lucky."

They both make a strange noise. Like dying animals. It's really not attractive.

Alice fans herself. "Dr. Sex offered you her son and you turned that down?" she asks.

"Er, yes? Um, so you guys really want to go to the benefit?" I ask, changing the subject. I really don't need them unraveling my thinly-wound resolve to never date again. I reach for the wine and fill everyone's glass.

"There's a bachelor-slash-bachelorette auction, Bella. And I have my bonus money from my last project burning a hole in my pocket," says Rosalie. "Totally gonna buy me a hot doctor. And I heard the food is supposed to be prepared by a famous chef-"

Alice interrupts for some reason."Yeah, the auction is going to be great. And since you won't help us meet Jasper and Emmett, you owe us."

"Again with the Jasper and Emmett. Like I'm supposed to know who they are."

Alice sighs dramatically and taps on her phone. She shoves it in my face. "Look! Jasper. Emmett. You are surprisingly unobservant for a medical professional."

Or I'm extremely observant of one particularly hot man to the exclusion of all others.

Damn that Edward for being so beautiful that I didn't notice the other two guys.

"Oh, if only I could get my hands on that Emmett. Did you know he's a hand model? You know what that means, right?" Rosalie wiggles her fingers in what I take as an obscene way while Alice laughs scarily.

I don't actually know why she's laughing, but I'm definitely not asking these two. The answer is better left unsaid. And probably gross.

"Whatever. That day when I saw Chef Edward, and the aftermath, which we will never mention again, have been permanently removed from my brain like in _The Notebook_. So, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Dude. Don't even compare your hot mess to _The Notebook_." Rosalie sounds horrified. She has strong feelings for Ryan Gosling. "That's not even what happened."

"Maybe it's more _Bourne Identity_ memory loss," Alice offers.

"Oh, please. It's completely _Inception_. That shit was weird and so is Bella."

I sit in my living room listening to them talk about me like I'm not even here.

"What about _Finding Dory_?" I ask, snidely.

"Ugh. Don't be ridiculous," Alice replies. "We're trying to be serious here."

"Yes, of course you are. Because me not wanting to talk about my most embarrassing moment is just like the plot of _Inception_."

"Ooh, you know what memory loss movie is my favorite? _While You Were Sleeping_. Though Sandra Bullock had really unfortunate bangs," Rosalie says.

"Gawd, yes. That was a crime against hair. Speaking of hair, should we do up-dos?" Alice asks.

This question leads to a long discussion about hair and dresses for the benefit. Which leads to an impromptu make-over and fashion show session that could have been filmed for a montage scene in a teen comedy.

Cue the nineties pop song for the soundtrack. Ooh, what's the one from _She's All That_? I google it as I chug more wine.

We all collapse on my bed in a fit of laughter when we finish. More wine is passed around. We're just swigging from the bottle now.

"See, we don't really need guys to have fun, ladies. We can be fulfilled by ourselves," I say, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

Alice and Rosalie look at each other and murmur something about never having been fully filled. I don't ask. I find it easier to sleep at night.

Alice is scrolling through her phone when she starts laughing. "This is the best. I love reading these. Oh look, Bella. This is like your situation!" She holds up the phone towards me. Of course she has the Missed Connections page open on her phone.

" 'You were the girl peeing in woods by the Goodwill. Want to go bowling sometime?' Yes, Alice. That's just like my situation."

"Bodily function, store, hook-up. Sounds the same to me," says Rosalie. I give her a dirty look.

"Oh look. This is the same, too. 'You were the person who dropped their bible at Starbucks and showed me your thong,' " I say, annoyed. "I don't know why you even read that junk. And don't say it's because of your job. You're a marketing executive, not a professional creeper."

"These people are marketing themselves in unusual ways. And I read somewhere that a few people actually got together from these ads. You know how I love love."

"Do you also love wolf semen? Because you can get a gallon of it, apparently, if you reply to this one."

"It could be a veterinarian or something," Alice says.

I stare at her in disbelief.

"Okay, maybe that one is weird," Alice admits. "And you're one to talk with all your Harry Potter fanfiction. Dramione is wrong on so many levels." Her voice gets to that weird pitch that signals danger.

"That is a very important and now widely accepted-" I start, but I am interrupted by Rosalie.

"Both of you stop. This is a girls' night. No arguing. Besides we'll be soon up to our ears in dick after that benefit, so there's no reason to be grouchy bitches."

"Truth. I have a good feeling about this weekend," Alice says.

"So it's a good sign if we have dick that reaches to our ears? That sounds unhygienic. And maybe painful."

"Oh, Bella. Have we taught you nothing?" Rosalie says with a sigh.

I guess not.

.

.

.

.

.

.A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and follows. Much love to my solemeat, Cosmogirl for reading this stuff.

FYI, all the Missed Connections mentioned are actually found online. No, I can't believe it either, but I'm grateful for the psychos posting them.


	6. Chapter 6

"She's going to flip, Rosalie," Alice says furiously. They're leaning against the tall stools in the cocktail area of the sumptuously decorated ballroom. And they apparently don't realize I'm listening.

"She needs to know, Alice," she replies. "It's-" Rosalie stops speaking when she notices me walking over to them.

"What am I going to flip out about, besties?" I raise my eyebrow in their direction. They better not have done anything crazy in front of all my work colleagues. I don't need the embarrassment.

"Oh, er, not you, Bella. The party planner should realize these stool are gorgeous, but totally useless. Like trying to shimmy up on the seat without flashing beave would impossible," Alice says, laughing a little at the end. "Poor seating choice can be a major issue."

Hmm. Not an unreasonable answer, but not exactly something to flip out about.

"Right. We don't want any hot doctors to see the cooch before they're supposed to," Rosalie adds. Like she's really worried about premature snatcheralization.

"Wearing underwear would solve that problem," I retort.

"Oh, please. I wear underwear. Most of the time. Just not when I'm in stealth mode, Bella."

"And underwear doesn't go with my outfit either, Bella," Alice adds. "You can be a little Handmaid's Tale at times in your rigidity. No offense."

Gee, how could I possibly be offended? I guess not wanting to go commando in a mini-dress is a sign of being super religious.

I take a long swig of my fantastically fruity cocktail so I don't make the scathing retort that exists in my head right now. Sarcastic Bella is going to relax and enjoy what promises to be a fantastic night.

"So what do you think of the party?" I say, changing the subject. "Have you spotted any prey yet?"

"Oh, I've seen plenty of possible future ex-boyfriends. But no true keepers. I'm holding out for the auction." Alice tucks a curl behind her ear. "The decor is amazing, though."

"What about you, Rose? Anyone tickle your fancy?"

She laughs. "I'd love for that guy to tickle something." She gestures over my shoulder and I glance back. Oh shit, it's Carlisle Cullen. Can't say I blame her for noticing. If he weren't married and my patient...yeah. "Hello, daddy," Rosalie practically purrs, pushing up her boobs and slipping into predator mode.

"Yeah, that's not happening." I snort.

"You seems to underestimate my powers, Bella." Rosalie scowls as she smooths non-existent wrinkles in her dress.

"I would never," I say, laughing. "That's my patient and that lady walking towards him is Dr. Platt, his wife." I gesture to the gorgeous auburn-haired woman approaching the beautiful blond man.

They both turn. Alice's eyes widen. "That's the couple that gets freaky? Damn. I was picturing uggos."

"I told you how attractive they are," I retort. "You guys don't listen me."

"Yeah, I focused on the sexy times, too. My bad. No chance that there's trouble in paradise?" she asks, trying to be nonchalant. I glare at her.

"He strained his gluteal muscles with excessive use with her, Rosalie. What do you think?"

Rose looks at Alice. She clarifies. "He broke his ass from all the sex thrusting. You're not going to win this time, Rose. But you'll live to prowl another day."

As we are glancing at them, Carlisle kisses his wife's neck and runs his hands over her hips.

"Daaamn...mommy likey," Alice says. "Can I buy _that_ in the auction?"

"What's with all the daddy and mommy kink tonight? You guys into a new thing? Never mind. Let's not unpack that right now." I hold my hands up in a gesture of surrender.

"Whatever. Let's go look at the auction list so I can start prioritizing. Do you think there are any hot older docs up for grabs?"

"Bella? You coming?" Alice asks.

"Nah. I think I'm going to pass. I'm not going to date any staff at the hospital." Or look for a daddy figure. "I'll meet you at the bar in a bit."

They nod and saunter over to the auction display as I head to the bar. Am I that picky? Should I be looking with them? I really need to stop thinking about my chef and just see who's actually out there for me. I glance back at Carlisle and Esme and think that's what I want. Maybe not the injured ass for my partner, but then again...what a way to go.

.

.

.

.

.

"Cosmo, extra cherries, please." I tap the bar while waiting for the very attractive bartender to mix my drink. He passes it over with a big smile.

A girl could get used to the free drinks and food and fabulous decor, if said girl maybe had someone to share it with.

Sigh. Really, Bella? Downer much? What happened to the riot girl that didn't need anyone? I guess she got tired of recharging her "boyfriend" and putting it in her dresser drawer.

A waiter passes by, and I grab a prosciutto-wrapped shrimp. Might as well stuff my face while I drown my sorrows.

"Oh my god," I moan. "That's amazing." I look around for the waiter so I can get another one in my mouth right away.

Instead of the waiter, I notice two guys standing by the bar. I must have missed their approach while I was having my mouth orgasm. They are both very cute. One is tall and built with dark curly hair and dimples. The other is tall and lanky with blond hair hanging in his eyes. Not really my type, but exactly what I thought my friends liked until the DILF comments from earlier.

The blond smiles and says, "I'll be sure to let my friend know you're enjoying his food. He's the chef tonight."

"Oh, really? I haven't tried anything else, but that was great."

"Well, we can't have that. You must try the other stuff. Emmett, grab our new friend a plate, will you?" He nods and walks over to the appetizer station.

"I'm Jasper, by the way. That's Emmett. And you're..." he prompts.

"Bella. It's nice to meet you. Do you work at the hospital, too?"

"No. We're just here to support our friend. And obviously meet beautiful women." He smiles at me.

Emmett returns with a small plate of appetizers for me and an enormous one for him.

"Emmett, this is Bella." Emmett grins and winks at me. He bumps Jasper in the side and nods. "Yeah. I know, right? She's perfect," says Jasper.

Okay, Jasper and Emmett are both hot, but I don't do threesomes. "Umm..." I start, but then I stop when Alice and Rosalie approach. They must have smelled the hotness in the air.

"Bella, you won't believe all of the potential - holy crap, Rose!" Alice whisper shrieks as she stops short. She's staring at Jasper and Emmett and blinking. Okay, these guys are good-looking but she's tongue-tied. Am I missing something?

Rosalie glances over, alarmed at Alice's comment. "Motherfu-"

I interrupt before she finishes the f-bomb and shows how classy we are. "Er, Alice and Rosalie, this is Jasper and Emmett." My best friends look ready to eat these two guys who are total strangers.

I look over at the guys who look gobsmacked by my two friends. Well, there goes my potential man-sandwich. Not that I expected anything, but it's nice to have an option, you know.

They all stare at each other - I guess deciding who is going to do whom, so I begin to check out the food Emmett brought me. Only one item seems to have any dairy components, so I go to town on the rest of it. Being fifth wheel makes a girl hungry. And thirsty. I clear my palate with the rest of my drink and order another.

"Oh my god..." I moan like a food whore. I apparently break the sexual tension spell that held them because they all look at me stuffing my face. "What?" I mumble, defensively. "It's so-o good. Let me eat and drink, and you can just get back to-" I wave my hand that's not holding a scallop, "whatever is happening here. Another cosmo, please." I wave to the bartender as I chug drink number - er - I'm not sure, and let them continue with their hookup.

"Bella, you do realize that this is Jasper? And Emmett?" Alice hisses.

"Okay? You do realize that _I_ just introduced _you_ , right?" I snark back. "You can thank me later."

"Are we missing something here?" Jasper asks. "I'm sure we haven't met before. I'm pretty sure we'd remember you ladies." He walks closer to Alice, focusing in on her face which is tilted toward his.

I sigh. It's not like I was into either of them, but this is ridiculous.

"Absolutely," Emmett concurs, while staring at Rosalie. "I'd know if I'd met you before."

The heat between the four of them is stifling. "Yeah, so I'm going to go hang out somewhere else." Before clothes start flying off, I need to step away. "This was real." Real depressing for my ego.

"Wait, Bella. Don't go. We want you to-" Emmett is interrupted before finishing.

"Bella, you don't understand. This is Jasper. And Emmett." She enunciates each syllable like I'm learning to read. Or a little drunk. I roll my eyes. Okay, so I'm slightly buzzed. "From the cooking channel!" she hisses at me and gestures toward them.

What is she talking about? Ooh that cosmo is so good.

"Hey, so you've seen us on Edward's show?" Jasper asks. "So you're fans of his?"

"Oh no, we watch for you. You're so funny! And you have such an expansive vocabulary," Alice gushes and touches his arm. Jasper looks like he's going to grab her and throw her over his shoulder and take her to his cave.

"And you have such beautiful hands," Rosalie croons to Emmett, who steps closer and grabs her hand. He kisses it.

"Oh brother," I mutter and down the rest of my drink I just received. "Who cares about his hands?"

"Bella, I can't believe you're not more excited about potentially meeting Edward?" Alice says. Her eyes narrow. "How many of those have you had?"

"Does Bella watch, too? So do you think she'd be into Edward?" Jasper asks, drawing her attention.

I try to ignore them even though I hear my name. I focus on my pretty glass and try to get the cherry out of the bottom with my tongue. I heard guys like that.

"Are you kidding?" Rosalie asks, laughing. "He's her dream guy."

"That's so great. We actually came over here to talk to Bella about meeting him. She's totally his type, and we've been trying to set him up for a while," Emmett says.

"I can't believe he's single," Alice says.

"I don't need to be set up. Me and the bartender have great relationship. He just gave me the best surprise drink. It's so creamy and dreamy," I say as I slurp.

"Yeah, he's been hung up on this girl that he met and barely talked to. We're trying to get him over gas girl."

"Gas girl?" questions Rosalie. "Wait, what's that about?"

"It's sort of gross. She was polluting the aisle at Trader Joe's-"

"Hold up, what?" I shriek. Their rambling is finally registering in my brain. "Trader Joe's...gas...Edward...Chef Edward, is your friend and he...he told you..."

I can't finish the rest of that statement. My stomach is churning from embarrassment and something else. Oh no, what was in that last drink? I clutch my stomach. No. Not now.

"We were trying to tell you, Bella. Jasper and Emmett are Edward's friends from his show," Alice says. "I thought you understood. What happened at the store isn't a big deal."

I don't know what's worse, the idea that Edward knows exactly what happened in the store and told his friends or that it might happen again right here in the ballroom.

I can feel a giant bubble about to burst out of me.

"Wait, are you saying you're gas girl? I can't believe it's you!" Jasper exclaims. "What are the chances?"

"And you didn't even answer the Missed Connections ad," adds Emmett.

I gasp. "There's a what?" My buzz is officially gone and its replaced with horror.

"We placed an ad in Missed Connections so we could find you. After the funk affair, he was pretty down about not getting your number. So we decided to post an ad online to find you. And here you are!" Emmett smiles like this is great. It's not.

"Um, what exactly does it say?" I ask, though I don't want to know.

Alice pulls out her phone and shows me. I glare at her. Those bitches knew about it and didn't tell me. I gasp again as I read it.

"A Clydesdale!" I shriek. Alice recoils.

"We just wrote what Edward said," Emmett says.

That's it. Why don't I have a wand so I can Disapparate right out of here? I'm mortified and I'm about to have a major lactose episode. I've got to get out of this building.

"No," I say, shaking my head. "He didn't call me a farting horse."

"Um, I don't think he meant-" Jasper stammers.

"Don't feel bad. He likes you, gas girl," Emmett protests. Alice grabs my hand, and I wrench it out from her grasp.

I choke out a sob as my stomach lets me know it's threat level midnight.

"Gas girl?" a voice over my shoulder asks. "Emmett, are you talking about what happened to me again? I told you never to talk about that."

No. It can't be.

Not Edward. Not now.

.

.

.

.

.

AN: So it's been awhile. I was watching the Twilight marathon and was inspired once again by how hot Edward is. And then Nolebucgirl posted a Getting Blitzed outtake and I wanted some Twific. So here it is. It's unbeta'd so be kind. And everyone please stay home and wash your hands.


End file.
